Total Annihilation Kingdoms
Wrongly forgotten sequel #9
Type of Game
We're replacing the giant robots with knights in armor, dragons, and witches. Oh, and we're cutting out a lot of content, too.
Release date on our machines
June 1999—tough times for STRs, except for the two or three giants of the genre (and not that one, as it turns out).
Developer
Cavedog Entertainment, a good doggy who became a bit grumpy. Oh wait, it was rabies, actually! Well, he was euthanized shortly after.
Publisher
Humongous Entertainment, Inc. Basically GT Interactive, basically Infogrames, basically Atari. And there's nothing bigger than that.
As a die-hard Total Annihilation addict for several years, how on earth did I react to the announcement of a sort of sequel set in a medieval-fantasy universe? My jaw dropped, red hearts replaced my pupils, my body leaped onto a table, and a lecherous scream burst from my throat. Of course! How else could anyone react in a situation like that? Well, uh, I quickly calmed down, since the table I’d just climbed onto was right in the middle of my middle school’s library, with about thirty students staring at me with a look that was half-amused, half-disgusted, and the librarian writing up a report to give me an hour of detention. Just how much did I exaggerate this incident? On a scale ranging from Tex Avery’s wolf to Nicolas Cage, I’ll let you guess. All this to say that I had huge hopes for this upcoming game; I pored over dozens of little images and snippets of text in magazines, begging for it to finally come out. And then what? Even with hype levels shattering every ceiling and piercing through every layer of the atmosphere—well, nothing! I never bought TotalA Kingdoms. I didn’t even rent it or borrow the CD-ROM from anyone. What actually happened? How can you just let go of such high expectations like that—and not smash every mirror you look into afterward?
The Middle Ages, yes, but not that one.
In my opinion, it all comes down to a certain Heroes of Might and Magic III, which sucked away all interest in any other video game for good—with one or two exceptions, like StarCraft and Dungeon Keeper. Pretty minor exceptions, right? OR NOT! And besides, imagine if I’d fallen for Age of Empires II—I would’ve just vanished from the face of the real world, my mind dissolved into all that virtual madness. Well, nuance and restraint aren’t exactly in the air today. But as for reviewing Total Annihilation: Kingdoms without having played it—let’s get to it.
Total Dilution
While the Cavedog logo is still on the box, Chris Taylor’s name no longer appears. The guy founded his own studio, no doubt following the success of Total Annihilation. Hey, you creators with egos even bigger than your talent—can’t you keep your feet on the ground a little, sometimes? Otherwise, it ends up as Kickstarter projects that never pan out, or announced games that never come out. And yes, I’m looking at you, Peter Molyneux. You too, Will Wright. Oh, you wanted to be like Sid Meier? Well, that didn’t work out, guys. Come on, no big deal—it doesn’t mean TA Kingdoms is doomed, even though Cavedog shut down shortly after, following the game’s disappointing sales. Hmmm, yeah, let’s stay positive! First off, I’ll note there are four factions—five with the expansion. I’m guessing that, starting from there, we’re in for something other than mirror-image factions like in the predecessor. That was the only thing that really annoyed me about Total Annihilation. Ah, and the lore is way more fleshed out, too. It’s about more than just war because “we’re the good guys and they’re the bad guys”! Although, in the end, it’s a lot of back-and-forth just so everyone can go at each other’s throats.
Basically, there’s a king who mysteriously disappears, leaving his four kids to divide up the territory among themselves—all while forbidding anyone from using magic, even though he was allowed to, of course; obviously, things go wrong! Toxic parenting—the root of all evil in every world. Yeah, right. Plus, the world in question is called Darien. Darien, huh. If that isn’t the name of some low-life punk who lives in the Rennes train station, I don’t know what is! Unassuming as it may seem, Cavedog really went all out, bundling the game with a book that tells the story in detail, on top of everything you’d find in a standard rulebook. A plus for immersion and the fantasy novel vibe. Then again, if it’s the same story already told during the in-game campaign, you might as well just flip through the book in the bathroom, right? Haha, but no—it was meant to make you want to play even more! In any case, it definitely would’ve worked on me back in 1999. And yes, kudos to those who were paying attention—I did say THE campaign. Just one, not four.
But it actually alternates between all the factions with a well-managed fluidity and harmony. At least, I hope so—it would be such a shame if they’d gotten this aspect wrong, especially since the developers really went all out on it. So, how do these playable “races” differ from one another? We’ve got the good knights led by the valiant hero and his heavy artillery, the good knights led by the valiant heroine who builds faster than anyone else, the evil wizards who convert the good guys to their cause, and the evil forest beasts who don’t even bother building bases—they’re just that evil. Oh, and there are some robot-like units that appeared in the expansion, but they only have five types of units. The comparison to the first Total Annihilation doesn’t hold up for long. Aside from the faction that doesn’t have any buildings, everyone plays pretty much the same way in the end.
You have to unleash as many brute-force units as possible on your opponent until they crack. It works if you harvest the game’s only resource faster than they do by positioning yourself in specific locations. Mana works like metal and energy in the previous Total A, with a production rate affected by consumption. For those who aren’t so patient, you can also enable the option that ends the game as soon as you take out the enemy monarch. It’s the equivalent of the Commander in Total Annihilation, or the clan leader in War Wind. I can’t say it enough: WAR! WIND! That’s the game that invented the “supreme unit” mechanic—one you must never let die. Of course, since I haven’t played a single minute of Kingdoms, I can’t say which one I prefer here. The animals of the swamp forest, perhaps? I certainly wouldn’t want to change my mind about my preferences for biomes, which I’ve held since childhood.
I could pretend for five minutes, just to make whoever it is think I prefer kind, pure-hearted knights, but no. Impossible—it’s too hard. I can lie about anything in everyday life, but not about this—sorry. On the other hand, I love the feature that lets our troops gain experience—and therefore stats. Yeah, okay, come on—for that alone, this game deserves a solid 15/20. For that and for certain voice lines—death rattles or animal cries—that amaze with their mediocrity. But mind you, it’s the good kind of mediocrity. Cool, funny mediocrity that gives it a charm that’s just too cute. Speaking of mediocrity, eeeeeh, there’s still quite a bit to say. First off, the graphics have aged extremely poorly, which shouldn’t surprise many people, given that we’re talking about a fully 3D game released in 1999. Age of Empires II is waaaaay prettier, even though it came out the same year. In September, not June—yes.
I know that advancements in computer hardware and the resulting graphical improvements were moving at breakneck speed back then, but not quite to that extent. It manages to look less ugly than the first Total Annihilation—thank goodness—but geez, the units look really tiny and not very detailed, don’t they? Is it just my advancing age talking, making me unable to appreciate things that fit within thirty-two pixels? No one’s going to answer that question, so I’ll just reassure myself by saying that… well, I’ll figure something out. The pathfinding seems to struggle like crazy at times. Often. Almost all the time. As soon as a lot of units move side by side, or as soon as the slightest obstacle gets in someone’s way. Too bad—the game encourages us to form huge regiments of all kinds of units. And then the trolls end up crashing into each other, or the dragons end up breathing fire into thin air because their wings keep getting tangled up with each other’s.
Yeah, guys, you’re walking around on real, three-dimensional terrain—not just trompe-l’œil textures—didn’t you know that? Even the most rootless mechs from your futuristic ancestor managed just fine there, though. From what little I’ve seen, the game balance seems to have fallen apart, and there are three or four ways per faction to make a mockery of their opponents—like, for example, by building nothing but trebuchets. The game’s defenders can always argue that they prefer this to the myriad of patch fixes released every week, which only serve to pander to multiplayer addicts. Yeah, that’s true, but I still don’t agree! Who cares about multiplayer! We already had StarCraft for that, or the first TotalA with all its mods! Or Age of Empires and War Wind 2! No, not War Wind 2—don’t even think about it. NEVER LAUNCH THAT GAME, IS THAT CLEAR?
Total Annihilation Boredom
One of the first things I checked on TA Kingdoms: Did Jeremy Soule compose the soundtrack? Yes! Relief, a sigh of comfort, and butterflies in my stomach. Well, for the first game with the robots, he went in the complete opposite direction, putting together an orchestra that would make Carnegie Hall green with envy. Was he going to surprise us even more here, with a hardcore techno album that would make WipEout green with envy to accompany archers and demons? Nope—the music ended up being completely on-theme after all. Songs by troubadours and minstrels—as immersive as they come and… uh, as boring as rain on a ruined thatched cottage? Yeah, sorry Jimmy, it didn’t really grab me, even though I can’t say I don’t like it. It’s missing that little something that would lift it out of the well-trodden paths of virtuosity—and never mind if that doesn’t make any sense. It lacks soul. I hate that expression, but I don’t know what else to say here. Just like the rest of the game, actually. Several times, I caught myself zoning out while watching gameplay sequences. And yet I love just sitting back and watching gameplay—even from Bart vs. The Space Mutants or Rise of the Robots. Yeah, well, not really, but I easily find myself happily watching most longplays, Twitch streams, or my girlfriend playing on the couch. But honestly… why do the basics seem so bland to me? The maps so bland? Even though I loved the exact same thing—albeit with worse graphics—in the first TotalA? Probably because nostalgia didn’t quite kick in here, or maybe there’s a real issue with the atmosphere. I don’t really have an answer for that. The only thing that made me laugh about the soundtrack is that everyone gets four tracks each, except for the swamp villain faction, which only has three. Heheheh. Serves you right, villains! Well, just for good measure, I’ll share one of their themes—there you go.
Total conclusion King-done
Conclusion: Was I right to stay so hooked on Heroes III that I snubbed Total Annihilation: Kingdoms? Possibly. Probably. This reasoning doesn’t apply to other gems I’ve never even touched—like Age of Wonders, Disciples, or Tiberian Sun—but in this case, yes. And yet, this game received a significant number of positive reviews! Many players talk about it as one of the most underrated titles of its time. But aren’t there always three or four fanatics like that for any video game in the world, even the worst ones? On YouTube, sure. We saw it with Saga: Rage of the Vikings, so… OK, there are actually three or four thousand of them in the case of TAK, but still. I really need to stop relying on YouTube video comments—there’s nothing representative about them.
People whine like crazy if even one actress lands a lead role in a movie—even worse if she isn’t white, and even worse if she doesn’t have the body of Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider I remastered version. On the other hand, they get wildly excited, with no regard for common decency, over any game released before 2002. As with everything else, nostalgia would have made me love it, of course, and I, too, would have posted my comment under mission twelve of the campaign—uploaded nineteen years ago in 360p by a guy with a nasal voice that would scare away even his own boogers. But I don’t even know why I’m trying to invent a connection with this game, since I didn’t have the hardware to run it at all. Man, it burned up computers even worse than the first Total Annihilation, the bastard. Computer hardware was evolving way too fast back then, seriously.
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