Star General
Too funny game #8
Type of Game
An attempt to conquer space that turned into a comedy show against its will. Or against ours—we’ll never know.
Release date on our machines
December 1996—it came out at the same time as Master of Orion II, so that must have really hurt. And not Master of Orion II, mind you.
Developer
Catware Inc.—aaaaaaand, yeah, unsurprisingly, they're no longer around.
Publisher
Mindscape Inc. and Strategic Simulations Inc. Did it really take two companies to publish the game? Well, they’ve disappeared too, of course.
My best friend, Randall Geyser, had at least as many games on his computer as I did. Beyond the classics like Duke Nukem 3D, Diablo, and Blood, he’d sometimes unearth some more obscure titles, like Big Red Racing or Star General. I’m not quite sure how, but we always managed to make every single one of them hilarious. While with Big Red Racing we didn’t have to look very far, with Star General, the ridiculousness wasn’t immediately obvious. And yet, I did practically nothing but laugh whenever Randall played it. Thanks to my experience with Master of Orion II—or rather, because of it—I immediately looked down on Star General, which inevitably played a big part in why I found it so amusing. But there was something else—a sense that it was a cobbled-together program, shrouded in a zany atmosphere that never left our games, a bit like in Heroes of Might and Magic II, but with the developers even less comfortable with it. At least, that’s what I assume—and I’d be careful not to mention it to them directly. When I reread a few reviews many years later, I gathered that only Randall and I had picked up on the funny side of Star General.
Laugh at everything, alone
Or rather, that aspect only existed in our heads. I also realized that I might have missed everything that made this title truly interesting. So I’m going to dive back into it a bit, and just thinking about it, I already know I’m going to laugh my head off for no reason.
Uproar General
Apparently, Star General is based on a series of science fiction books. OK, I won’t go into detail—I’d probably just get tangled up in a subject I know even less about than usual. This game is also part of a series called “5-Star” General, but the word “Star” doesn’t mean the same thing for that game series as it does for the title Star General. I’ve explained this very poorly, but I can’t do any better. Basically, from 1994 to 1997, five turn-based strategy games were released using the same game engine: first came Panzer General, which lets you relive World War II from the perspective of… uh… wait. Oh right, from the Nazis’ perspective. Jeez, that took some nerve! Although, if it came out today, no wonder it’d be a total success. Next came games with the same theme but from the Allies’ perspective, a foray into fantasy, then into space (the one we’re going to talk about), and finally a return to WWII—but this time with the Americans fighting the Japanese. Apparently, it was the game featuring the “bad guys”—the Germans—that sold the best, spawning sequels and spin-offs.
Well, I’ll be… there are some visionaries at Catware Inc. seeing the world shifting to the right. Anyway, with a solid foundation—including books to expand the lore, and a well-oiled engine for performance—Star General should be a real blast, right? Hmm, it looks a little more complicated than that. I know Randall has put quite a few hours into it, so it must have some cool features. Among the people who took the time to write reviews, there are just as many fans as there are haters, along with the full spectrum of mixed feelings leaning neither one way nor the other. Some highlight the two-tiered combat gameplay—one on planets and another in space—the presence of seven playable races and their subtle differences from one another, a quick learning curve, and nonstop action... Others, who have likely played a more in-depth space 4X game—such as Master of Orion II, for example—complain about the simplistic mechanics and the somewhat poor game balance.
I think we were leaning more toward the cynical category, even while enjoying building massive fleets of ships alongside gargantuan armies of tanks. Because, let’s face it, as much as I loved pampering my peaceful empires in Civilization II or Anno, in Star General, I just wanted to wreck everything. I can’t really explain why, but it must have something to do with the simplistic mechanics. What a jaded guy, huh? I see quite a few posts raving about the amaaaaaazing 3D ships. Starting with the developers themselves, who wrote it on the back of their box. But, uh, OK, those polygon cruisers do exist—but only in windows separate from the gameplay areas, kind of like dedicated pages with portraits and everything. On the battlefield? Nope. We get these pretty crappy little 2D sprites, not all taken from the same angle or perspective, which makes it impossible to make heads or tails of them. Seriously!
Hey! Seriously, who could identify a specific shuttle model from a specific nation without looking it up in the glossary after playing for less than three hundred hours? NO ONE! Exactly. And there are a whole bunch of these units, to boot. When you add the ground troops that fight on the planets to the ships, you’re looking at close to a hundred different types, versions, and variants of forces. So maybe Randall knew five or six of them by heart, but me, with my four or five hours of gameplay under my belt, I only knew one. And here I’ll reveal the reason why we found Star General so hilarious we were laughing our heads off. We called that interstellar frigate the “gobshite.” Litterally ass-comb in french, because it had these pointy prongs sticking out from under its hull. And that’s it—nothing else. Just the “gobshite” We were twelve or thirteen years old, and looking back now, I think that’s already pretty old to be cracking up for weeks over that simple term associated with a simple image of a space destroyer that looked like a woodlouse.
But hey, I had a good time, so… Okay, I’ll admit that during the space scenes, sometimes, in certain places, it did have a certain charm. You have to be into those photos of galaxies and nebulae slapped haphazardly onto a 32x32 starry background, but it can give you a little sense of immensity. Of course, when some gobshite flies past the supernova and looks almost as big, the magic disappears. On the planets, the bases you build pleasantly reminded me of the stifling atmosphere of M.A.X., though they don’t hold a candle to it. The graphics are actually more reminiscent of Dune II. For a game from late 1996, I can’t say that’s a compliment. The landscapes lack diversity, and the textures really look terrible. I’m not saying it has to look as good as a meticulously crafted map from Heroes of Might and Magic III, polished down to the tiniest pebble by an enthusiast with way too much free time, but come on! A little effort, right?
Saxo-Temporal Leap
Now, the soundtrack. Um, the soundtrack? Which one? Is there one? I don't remember anything. Oh, wait, there is one. Twenty-three tracks for an album with a total runtime of thirty-two minutes. I’ll let you imagine just how little time we have to get attached to any of them. Star General is very much part of a turn-based strategy game set in a rather empty, interstellar setting, right? It’s weird not to pair that with some contemplative tracks that are almost a quarter of an hour long each. Anyway, let’s give it a listen—maybe even in a minute and fifteen seconds, they can manage to churn out something contemplaaaaHEEH! Sorry, but what’s up with that crazy spectral saxophone that seems to be crying for help before getting sucked into a black hole? You can hear it everywhere! All the time! It even seems to serve as the central axis around which the composers have revolved. Going in circles, even. In orbit, haha. Like some gobshite waiting for our orders and… AHAHAH GOBSHITE! SO FUNNY! Actually, each one sounds like a remix of the others, more or less arranged with synth pads, more or less accompanied by rhythms. At this point I’m thinking, there’s no way this could play during gameplay—it would totally ruin the immersion. Well, YES! The OST plays seamlessly between the main menu and the playthroughs you start. The tracks flow relentlessly, indifferent to what’s happening on screen, impervious to our tortured emotions. It’s hard to think of these as mood-setters. I’d be more likely to hear this kind of music in an RTS—well, I don’t even know. I’ve lost track of everything; it’s fried my synapses—damn it! At any moment, I expect to hear Phil Collins belting it out as he sticks his head out of a cruiser’s cockpit, or see people making out languidly in front of a cozy fireplace. But two minutes later, you’d swear you were hearing samples from The Fifth Element, and even an old Prodigy track at one point. Two madmen named Rick Rhodes and Danny Pelfrey bear the heavy responsibility for these creations. The latter is also credited as “Sax Solo.” Hahaha! Magnificent. I imagine that if you listen to this soundtrack enough, you’ll slip into some kind of trance where you can’t live without it. I won’t take that risk, thanks. In fact, I’m hurrying to get out of here, because I’m almost starting to enjoy it. Especially the nineteenth version of the same theme, with its haunting percussion right there. It makes me want to call it trip-hop. Come on ! Really ?
Delay General
Even though I laughed a lot more at the word “gobshite” than I’d ever dare admit, I thankfully eventually got tired of it. Randall did too, even though he had to finish several playthroughs. Maybe it was because the gameplay was too linear? The endless loop of resource gathering, ship building, blowing up enemies, and colonizing planets was driving us crazy. Oh, there was diplomacy? Oh, really? Our troops gained experience? Huh? We had tech research? Whoa, looks like I missed quite a few features. Blame the gobshites, obviously. Still, I used to love Strategic Simulations Inc.—maybe that’s what made me get way too into Star General, for that matter. Even though I’ve forgotten all about it, of course.
Yeah, sure, I’d only played their War Wind, but that was enough to give me butterflies in my stomach every time I saw the logo appear when the games launched. But it didn't last —we ended up swept away by the tidal wave of hype generated by titles like Age of Empires or Dungeon Keeper* among others. Crazy games with much deeper concepts and mechanics that were way more polished. It’s hard to compare real-time with turn-based, but I’m going to do it anyway. Plus, in those games, too, we laughed nonstop—and at way more than just a single unit with a silly nickname. Sorry, Star General—you might have deserved better than to be reduced to nothing more than the term “gobshite”. But man, it made us laugh so hard… Sorry? Meaningful projects I’ve accomplished in my life? What do you mean? Did I get off to a bad start because of my stupid behavior during pre-adolescence? Whoa, sorry—I’m flying past a pulsar; I can’t hear a thing!
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